shared thoughts

I miss my son Ricky

I miss his infectious smile

I miss his bright blue eyes

I miss his bear hugs

I miss the sound of his voice

I miss his hearty laughter

I miss his wonderful company

I miss the sway in his walk

I miss seeing him walk off of the bus

I miss seeing him walk towards me from the train

I miss his fierce loyalty

I miss his larger than life personality

I miss him being in my presence

I miss watching TV with him

I miss laughing out loud with him

I miss talking politics with him

I miss hearing him say that he loves me

I miss telling him how much I love him

I miss seeing him sitting on the couch eating

I miss him helping me make dinner

I miss how much he enjoyed being at home with us

I miss seeing him happy when he was talking about his brothers

I miss knowing how much he read books and how intelligent he was 

I miss seeing him and my mother sitting together

I miss thinking that he was going to beat this disease and have a great future

Most of all……… I just miss my beautiful boy, my son Ricky

My beautiful Ricky boy with ocean blue eyes where have you gone?

I look for you on the deck smoking a cigarette, coming down the driveway, sitting on the couch in your special spot, I think I see you on the street, and in cars passing by.  But, it’s in the kitchen around the island me, you and dad conversing us giving our accolades to dad on his cooking

Just the three of us and our lovely Lady Bug. It is there I see you it is there I hear you, it is there I want to remember us. 

How many years had it been just the three of us….maybe thirty years maybe yesterday

I wonder if you knew how much I loved your company. 

I wonder if you knew it didn’t matter if it was a serious political or nonsensical conversation we were having...I listened intently and was always amazed at your well rounded knowledge. 

But no, it was your lifelong love of reading that enriched your vocabulary, your view of the world and yet just as simply you were a smart guy just innately bright.

I wonder if you knew I heard you every time you said, “I’m a mama’s boy” and even though I didn’t always acknowledge it my heart swelled with love for you...the fact is there are very few people that experience a love that is whole no strings just a love and that is what I received from you my boy.   

My loss of you is insurmountable only you and I know the depths of my grief in losing you.

Our relationship was “special” “different” from the beginning….I think we both knew our time on this earth together would be challenging at times and so very peaceful at others.

Complicated but yet so simple. That was us.

I think you were just as scared as I was as to what the outcome would be.

In the beginning I was the fierce mama lion at the gate determined I could and would save my boy.

I shouted it from the rooftops” I will save him”.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, turned into years.

All my maternal instincts to save you went unheard.

In between the detox; rehabs, jail, halfway houses, sober houses there were our times at home.

I wonder if you knew the relief I felt when the doorbell rang and it was you.

I wonder if you knew the relief I felt when the phone rang and it was you.

I wonder if you knew  how many times a day a week I asked Dad have you heard from Ricky

I wonder if you knew how my heart was healed by listening from my bedroom to you and Dad laughing those real hard belly laughs together watching TV.

There was that day at work I put my head on my desk and I felt something unimaginable was going to happen. I had to tell you…”get help Ricky surrender to God”. My text went unanswered. That night the doorbell rang. It was you.  Again, I was relieved, so very grateful….take your coat off. I love you good night.

For so many years at so many meetings what is it I heard? What is it I was told? What is it I read? Detach with Love!

I say no. Love the boy and give him the peace and shelter he so desperately needs.

How can it be there was no way we could rescue you.

How can it be we couldn’t find a way to keep you here with us.

I know it was the disease that no one calls about, the disease that no one visits for, the disease that no “thinking of you” or “get well” cards are sent for. The disease that takes so many beautiful sons and daughters. The disease that we will give a name to “Substance Use Disorder”, the disease that we will respect those individuals that are suffering from with care, kindness, hope and love in your name my beautiful boy.

Forever broken, and forever grateful for you Richard Christian a soul like no other. Mum

I stand in the intersection wearing my blue uniform, pointed hat and shiny badge,

I’m here to do a job and representing the symbol of control and authority.

Cars drive past and see my stern face, with my wrap-around sunglasses covering my eyes.

My body language tells them that I’m confident and that I’m in control.

The sun beats down on me all day and I try to find a sliver of shade,

But today Mother Nature is merciless and there is no place to hide.

There is no-one to talk to or occupy my mind,

I’m all alone with my thoughts.

I lost my oldest son Ricky just 11 weeks ago,

Just 34 years old, far too young, far too soon,

Why, I’ll never know.

I’m directing traffic with my beloved Ricky on my mind, 

his photo in my shirt pocket, always close to my heart.

I’m all alone with my thoughts.

Tears roll down my face from under my sunglasses, 

most people will never see them and never know,

the overwhelming pain that I’m in that will stay with me for the rest of my days.

The horror I must endure, yet keep my calm facade,

Not to show my pain while on the job.

There comes a time when there are no cars around, with only time to think,

So I ask God why he has cursed my family, I ask him why?

No answers come from above and my emotions run high, so I start to talk to myself aloud with no-one around.

“God, why did you have to take him from me?”

“Why couldn’t you have just taken me?”

“I’ve lived a long life and his was so short”

“Please answer me God, because I can’t understand”

I remove my sunglasses to wipe the tears from my face,

when I notice a pedestrian standing close enough to hear,

my pleas to God and to see the tears run down my face.

I turn towards her and we make immediate eye contact,

She turns her head quickly, lowers her eyes to the ground and walks away fast.

I know full well of what she has seen and heard today is not normal.

I can’t imagine what she must think about the cop who’s agony she witnessed first-hand and that she will remember today's encounter with me forever.

I’m all alone with my thoughts.

I return to my intersection and continue my job, 

public safety must be maintained even with this incredible pain.

I balance my thoughts with those of my family 

and I stop crying for the moment,

as I think of my wife and other two son’s.

It is them that gives me strength to carry on 

and I settle down for the task at hand.

I continue on by the grace of God,

Thinking of my love for Bea, Ricky, Chris and Nick.

Once again I’m all alone with my thoughts.

I’m all alone with my thoughts.

Grieving father of Ricky Giacoppo